Name of Magazine : Phychology Today
Title of the article : Just say it
Date : Oktober 2015
"Just Say It"
We all have things we're notsaying to the people we love.When should we open up... andhow?
IT WAS A MUGGY SUMMEREVENING and Will*, 46, andLilit, 38, were out on a looselyplanned date in a trendy partof town. After visiting an artgallery, they strolled throughthe neighborhood, its streetslined with cafes andrestaurants that appeared likeglittering dioramas filled withhappy couples and clusters oflaughing friends. Lilit noticedan elegant French bistro andimagined sitting on its terrace,tucking into a salad andsippingChardonnay. Shecasually pointed out therestaurant to Will ("Oh, look atthat nice place with theterrace,") while making a quickinternal calculation not to voiceher desire, figuring that hewould never splurge fordinner, or even drinks, there.Then she turned to her phoneto scroll through reviews ofcheap eateries nearby, feeling atide of resentment wellinginside. When Will suggested ano-frills barbecue joint in thearea-a perceived affront sinceLilit had just gone on a diet-shestarted to fume.
Her reaction wasn't withoutprecedent; money had alwaysbeen the fissure thatthreatened to crack and shakethe foundation of theirmarriage. Their divergentfeelings about it had beenforged in childhood. Lilit camefrom a prosperous Iranian-American family who valuedgenerosity and
abundance above all. It was agiven that heaping platters offood-roasted lamb, Cornishhens, saffron rice, and at leastfive cakes and tarts -would beserved whenever guests visited,and a driving force of herimmigrant father's life was toachieve a measure of affluence.As a result, Lilit says, "I have adeep sense that money willalways be available."
Will, on the other hand, grewup with a markedly differentset of feel i ngs about money. Inthe manner typical of hisWASPy clan, he learned earlyon to recoil at showy displaysofwealth, a trait compoundedby his parents, who wereparticularly tightfisted. Afterthey divorced, he was scarredby a period of genuine lackwhen his mother had to rely onfood stamps. Even as afinancially secure adult, Willremains imprinted withanxiety that his well will rundry.
Despite their differentattitudes, money issuesgenerally fester unspoken untilanger pushes them to thesurface. Even then, theirarguments often go nowhere ormake things worse: One time,Lilit called Will a "cheapskate,"thinking it an innocent ifaccurate description, only tofind out she had offended himdeeply. On their date night,things similarly threatened tohead south when she confessedthat she'd really wanted to goto the French bistro but didn'tdare to suggest it because of hisfrugality.
"I don't want to beat up on youfor this, but spending for me istied up with spontaneity andfreedom," Lilit said. "I want tobe a person who sees a lovelyrestaurant and says, 'Yes!'without having to stop andthink about it. When we haveto look and see how much itcosts, I'm not interestedanymore."
For Lilit and Will, thesimmering topic is money. Forother couples, it's sex, orhousework, or relationshipswith in-laws. For parents andtheir adult children, it's issuesthat arise around aging orboundaries. Everyone has hot-button topics with their lovedones and a host of ways ofaddressing them (or not). Somehammer away at the problems,lobbing accusations andhaphazardly stepping onemotional land mines. Othersstrenuously avoid the topics,rehearsing what they'd like tosay (but never will) in theirmind.
In a culture steeped in weepytalk-show confessions andonline oversharing, one mightconclude that blatant honestyis always the best policy. But when it comes to discussingtough topics, how, when, why,and even whether to expressoneself are critical elements ofproductive conversations and,ultimately, relationshipsatisfaction. Weighing all thefactors amounts to a complexpsychological algorithm withthe highest stakes: Get it right,and you can fortifyrelationships and boost yourwell-being.
